FORMER BUSH SPOKESMAN CASHES IN, SEEKING CREDIT, BIG BUCKS

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan G. Goldman

Prince George's former press secretary Scott McClellan, who now proclaims himself a truth-teller in his soon-to-be-released, tell-all book, ought to have his head placed in one of those eighteenth-century stocks so passers-by could throw apples at it.
"Bush is plenty smart enough to be president.” McClellan wrote in What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception, according to the Washington Post. McClellan, in his capacity as White House press secretary, was supposed to be a word wizard. The fact that he defends a man’s intelligence with an ungrammatical splotch of junk English that closely resembles the way his boss murders syntax, language, and reason tells us just how reliable his judgment is in such matters.

But McClellan also writes that the Iraq war didn’t need to be fought and that the administration used propaganda rather than facts to justify it, and of course that's what the general news media are jumping on, thereby giving McClellan a jump in sales. In his media marketing blitz, McClellan, unused to dabbling in the truth, often contradicts himself within a single sentence, telling us Prince George is an honorable and intelligent leader served by honorable and intelligent people and that all of them routinely lied and deceived to get what they wanted.

Now here’s the problem: wasn’t he obliged to share this hugely important inside information about the war with his employer the American public before the tanks went in? Now, more than five years later, after several hundred thousand people are dead, millions are terribly wounded, homeless, and in exile, McClellan cashes in with a multi-million-dollar book deal to reveal what he knows.

Somebody pass me an apple, a really rotten one.

CLINTONS FORM THIRD PARTY

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan G. Goldman
"I have a much broader base to build a winning coalition on," Hillary Clinton said in an interview with USA TODAY. As evidence, she cited an Associated Press article "that found how Sen. Obama's support among working, hard-working Americans, white Americans, is weakening again, and how whites in both states who had not completed college were supporting me. There's a pattern emerging here."

WASHINGTON -- Hillary and Bill Clinton shocked the world yesterday when they mounted the steps of the Capitol and declared Mrs. Clinton will run for president in November on the newly formed Hard-Working White Americans ticket.

Asked whether they were implying blacks don’t work hard, Bill’s face turned redder than a radish as he proclaimed, ‘I was America’s first black president and I've worked hard all my life. That’s why I’ve got so many damn houses I can’t even remember all the addresses. I’m rich, see? Richer than you."

Hillary patted him on the hand as she nodded to his handlers to take him somewhere he wouldn’t hurt himself.

"Look,” she continued, “the name of our ticket has nothing to do with whether we believe black people work hard or whether Obama is a Muslim, which he isn’t, as far as I know. We’re just saying white Americans who work hard now have a place to go in November, a party that will be working every day for them, from Day One. But we still count Barack Obama as a dear friend even though everybody knows an untested black person can't possibly win in November.

“Also, the new Hard-Working White Americans Party, which was formed in response to the Democratic Party's unwillingness to give hard-working white Americans in Michigan and Florida a voice in the process, won't like certain parties I'm too polite to name, ignore the votes of hard-working white Americans in Michigan and Florida."

At this point she paused to bite off a huge chunk of a Krispy Kreme doughnut that she washed down with a swig of Bud, after which she wiped her mouth with her sleeve, nearly scratching her face with her $80,000 wristwatch. "And," she continued, "you won’t see anybody on our ticket who attended a terrorist madrasa, either."

Exactly, what, she was asked by George Stephanapolous, was she trying to imply? She leaned down from her makeshift podium, petted him like a spaniel and said,“I’m implying nothing. I’m just saying, is all. You didn’t see me planting terrorist bombs with the Weathermen either. At the same time, notice that our party is inclusive. We welcome the support of white Americans who've been to college so perhaps aren't as receptive to our message as hard-working white Americans. "

“But Senator Clinton," said Miss Alabama 2007, CBS’ new news anchor, “aren’t you afraid your new message is explicitly racist and that you’re also helping John McCain by trying to drive Democrats apart?” Miss Alabama 2007 read this from a script placed in her hand by another dumpy woman who'd attended Wellesley.

“Let me explain it to you,” Bill said to Miss Alabama 2007 as he broke away from his handlers and led her toward his limo. At that point Hillary let loose a fake smile that cracked several camera lenses, but news people weren't paying attention because they scurried after Bill and his new friend so they wouldn't be cut out of the new sex scoop.

“Wait,” Hillary hollered. “I haven’t finished my statement! . . . Damnit, I’m still a big story!!!”