Friday, May 19, 2006


By Ivan Goldman

Well, let's just see what's going on. The CIA director quit in the middle of the night and no one seems to be paying any attention. He will be replaced with no trouble by a military secret policeman who admits spying on Americans in America. Meanwhile, the Senate has agreed that English is the national unifying language, which is very important, because a lot of us were unsure which language to speak. Iran thinks it might compel Jews and Christians to wear badges. Our consumption of oil has reached monstrous levels and no, I won't give you the statistics because I'm too lazy to look them up, but eight years of a government that looks upon energy conservation like it was last week's dogfood does not help. The stock market is starting to stink, too. Note that Western democracies spend half as much on health care and enjoy better health because their governments actually care about the citizens' health as opposed to caring about the HMO, insurance, and drug lobbies. So their corporations aren't dragged into the insurance business. But their markets are skittish as well because their businesses can't function at optimal level with more and more U.S. consumers stuck in economic mud while Cheney & Company frolic.

Oh, and the Democrats are fixing to nominate war hawk Hillary for '08. She is obviously some kind of wacko. Her shifty eyes rarely match her voice or facial expressions and she got elected to the Senate by garnering the blowjobs-from-another-woman sympathy vote. I figure Diebold will fix it, though.

The White House is preparing its answer to the HBO premiere of Baghdad E.R., which will make dolts realize for the first time that war is not just another TV show.

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