Tuesday, March 06, 2007


By Ivan G. Goldman

What’s the matter, Bunky? Empty-suited President got you down? Sick of all the lying, posturing, faking, the theft of planeloads of cash, not to mention a six-figure death toll in a pointless war while the Gulf Coast remains a twisted mess of trash? Uncertain what to do about becoming in just a few short years the most hated country on Earth?

Tired of all the relentless ineptitude twinned with the most tenacious arrogance since DeGaulle tried to stare down Churchill and Roosevelt? Afraid to turn on the news because you’ll just hear about more dead and disfigured G.I.s in Iraq while Exxon-Mobil, Chevron, Halliburton and all their parasitic pals romp through the oil fields? Are you bent out of shape by religious crazies who use government funds to convert new batches of religious crazies so they can attain new heights of church-statism, a Justice Department that fires people for doing their jobs, and an EPA whose goal is to wreck itself?

Well, don’t do anything real, like following the Constitution and impeaching this insufferable tyrant and his dangerously demented vice president. Don’t even stop funding the war that is not a war but really a madhouse of homicidal factions the simple-minded White House can’t even hope to understand.
Instead, step up and get not one, but two Clintons for the price of one. While they last. Not available in stores. Fresh out of the box.

Yes, starting in January 2009 you can wake up to the same tired old faces from the first eight Clinton years. Go backwards! That’s what monarchy’s all about. Comforting, isn’t it? Everybody gets it. That’s why it can work. Stop torturing yourself trying to choose leaders. Instead, just switch royal families! Give the other one a turn.

Because America doesn’t have just one set of imperial bounders. Heck no, fresh out of New York and Washington, following their previous rave engagements in the boondocks of Arkansas and straight off the cover of People, etc., we give you the Clintons! With Obama and Edwards hot on the heels of Hillary’s twisted pronouncements that don’t say what they appear to say, the desperate dynamic Clinton duo has proclaimed for all the world (at the civil rights commemoration in Selma and at various fund-raisers) that yes indeed, they’re a package!

This time you don’t get the puppet-puppeteer weirdly Oedipal kind of duo you suffered with the Bush-Cheney shared-power arrangement. Instead you get this one-time, unique opportunity to install a feuding, scheming two-headed hydra kind of president. Even Fox will be happier as it descends to record depths interviewing therapists, astrologers, feng shui experts, you name it, to speculate about the presidential sleeping arrangements, tortured decision-making processes, and who knows what else eight more years of monarchy will bring? Sleep together? Heck, we can't even guarantee the Clintons like each other. Doesn't that make it all the more exciting?

Operators are standing by.

1 comment:

savannah said...

will we ever get it right? sometimes i think 4 years is too long in office...but what do i know? i'm not a politician...