EXCLUSIVE: NEW CONVERSATION PICKED UP ON OVAL OFFICE PHONE

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan G. Goldman

--Mama, I made a big mess.

--That’s ok, dear. Just get the servants to clean it up.

--No, mama, I tried that.

--What kind of mess are we talking about, anyway? Ketchup, a coke bust? What?

--Iraq, mama. The one with the ‘q’ at the end.

--Oh, that. Listen, Iraq’s not nearly as terrible as everybody says. Watch Fox, dear, like I told you.

--I do, mama.

--Iraq’s a lot like Katrina.

--That’s what everybody says.

--Those Iraqis are just like all those colored people they showed complaining about everything down there. Listen, those Arabs live much better than they did before we bombed the crap out of them. Money just pours into the place. Cheney wets his beak, everything’s coming up roses.

--But they say a lot of American troops got killed and burned and everything.

--Really. Do you know any of them?

--No.

--Me neither. They’d be out on the street if we hadn’t given them a paycheck.

--But mama, they’re missing arms and legs and stuff.

--Listen, dummy, grow some backbone. Those oil fields we grabbed over there will be worth a mint someday. So forget about it. Clear some brush or something. Cheney's watching the store.

--Okay, mama. But can’t you stop everybody from making fun of me?

--Stop whining. I told your father a thousand times we shoulda let Jeb inherit the presidency. That’s what the Godfather did. But your father? He knew better. Passed up Michael and gave the job to Fredo.

--Huh?

--Drive your SUV around the ranch. And be sure to practice saying ‘Bring it on’ in the mirror. It’ll make you feel masculine. Too bad it won’t make you smart.

--Huh?

GLARING QUESTIONS OUR INCOMPETENT PRESS CORPS DOESN'T ASK BUSH

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan Goldman

Dear Mr. President:

At what point will you recognize that your disastrous pre-emptive war in Iraq has strengthened Iran and al-Qaeda and considerably weakned us? At what point will you concede that the corrupt Baghdad government we defend with the blood of our troops is riddled with death squads, murderous militias, and high-up Iraqi officials allied with the Tehran regime who either direct these killers or are closely allied with them? You must be aware that these militias have tortured and killed both Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops. When you instruct us to pursue victory, do you mean victory in behalf of these enemies you like to pretend are allies?

Why are we still pouring out billions to companies like Haliburton for construction projects that never happen? Why don't you order your war-profiteering vice-president to divest himself of this company, which has more contracts in Iraq than any other corporation and which has been caught repeatedly cheating our government? Why do you take no punitive measures against the perpetrators of this documented ongoing swindle?

Now that you have wrecked the Army Reserve and National Guard by repeated deployments in this open-ended Iraq conflict, which is contrary to their organizatonal purpose, what is your plan to repair the damage? What makes you believe if we continue pouring lives and treasure down this rathole the situation will improve?

Why do you keep saying we had to invade Iraq because Saddam wouldn't let in U.N. inspectors when in fact the opposite is true and the U.N. inspectors had to leave because of your looney invasion?

At what point will you recognize your insistence that we remain in Iraq until the job is done is a slogan that has no relationship with the situation on the ground or any cohesive or rational policy? Explain whether you at least understand these facts or are you too simple-minded to see them? Or is it a little of both?

IS BUSH A SECRET ENEMY AGENT?

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan Goldman
If the totalitarian Islamists who rule Iran, much of Afghanistan, and key government environs in Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and elsewhere had been able to place an agent in the White House back in 2002, he might have kicked the U.N. inspectors out of Iraq and then invaded it. This would have empowered Iran, giving it cover to complete its killer nukes agenda while our troops were busy fighting in behalf of Iran and Al Qaeda. It also would have enabled Osama Bin Laden to establish a dream base smack dab in the middle of the Arab world instead of on its Afghan fringes.

Eventually Iran and Syria might even have unleashed Hezbollah to attack Israeli citizens with its vast stores of rockets. When Israel fought back, this would have won terrorists support around the world as they lobbed those rockets into Israeli civilians. Everyone knows people are always dismayed when Jews refuse to be massacred. And Lebanon would have been in shambles again. Islamic totalitarians just love shambles. Everyone would have been even less aware of the Iranian nukes being assembled because the mass media can concentrate on only one story at a time.

But it's not likely an enemy agent in the White House would have been bold enough to implement the crazy strategy I postulated here because such overt moves would have exposed him. By this time he'd have been ridden out of office and possibly hanged.

Do I think Prince George is actually a conscious Islamic totalitarian agent? Of course not. He's just a nasty, spoiled fool who ran away in Air Force One when America was under attack and then got away with winning re-election because his handlers' marketing campaign convinced voters they needed his cowardly self, not his battle-hardened Democratic opponent, to keep them safe. They also stole Ohio and New Mexico just for insurance.

Anyway, Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Wolfowitz were right about one thing. The Iraqis did gather in the streets to greet our troops. But not with flowers.

DIGGING DEEPER
By Ivan Goldman
Thanks to passing brain cloud and my inability to get through Nerd 101, I neglected to allow comments on my blog. All this has changed. Soon a tidal wave of disgust and rueful admiration will carry this blog to the crest of blogdom. I may even post another comment seeing as how the world is burning and I can't find my appointment book.