Wednesday, January 03, 2007


By Ivan G. Goldman
Speaker-to-be Nancy Pelosi says ending the war is her first priority, but she won’t cut its funding. This is like saying you oppose Hannibal Lector’s cannibalism but will continue to pay for his cookware.

We’ve grown used to these kinds of contradictions. Remember, for instance, when the Blunderer-in-Chief, while claiming to support democracy in Russia, looked into the eyes of Putin and saw a sweet, like-minded fellow he could deal with? Our sweet prince never took back that sentiment no matter how many reporters Putin shot, political opponents he jailed, or whistle-blowers he poisoned.

Part of the attraction is unbridled envy. Remember when our gentle Prince George actually admitted that his job would be much easier if he were a dictator? No, I’m not making this up. I think we all understand how he and Shotgun Cheney would really like to deal with pesky reporters and such.

Which is why I get worried, from time to time, about Senator Tim Johnson, critically incapacitated with a stroke-related illness. It probably wouldn’t take much radioactive poison to push the 51st Democratic senator into the fire and brimstone that surely awaits all members of his party and presto! – Senate control goes back to the Republicans and all those Senatorial investigations of blatant war profiteering and related Administration foibles would be nipped in the bud.

Let me tell you, I'm a superstitious man -- and if some unlucky accident should befall Senator Johnson -- if he should get shot in the head by a police officer or if he should hang himself in his jail cell or if he's struck by a bolt of lightning -- then I'm going to blame some of the people across the aisle. And that, I do not forgive. But -- that aside -- let me say that I swear -- on the souls of my grandchildren -- that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today. Right, you nailed me. I borrowed this paragraph from Don Corleone.

Meanwhile, in other believe-it-or-not news, our glorious leader told his generals last month, “What I want to hear from you is how we’re going to win, not how we’re going to leave.” Precisely what this “win” looks like in his teeny, tangled little mind is tough to say with certainty, but apparently a chief component of such a victory would be a circumstance in which his pals who hold sway in Baghdad’s Green Zone could rule all Iraq. Apparently no one has the heart or the cojones to explain to Prince George that the most powerful member of this Iraq regime he admires with such abandon is the party controlled by Shiite leader Muqtada al-Sadr, whose troops have been attacking and killing U.S. occupation forces for years. Never mind, Bush is still willing to defend this murderous bunch to the last drop of somebody else’s blood.

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