Monday, January 15, 2007


By Ivan G. Goldman

--Mama, this whole Iraq thing, it's getting me down. Nobody picked on me like this in Texas. What'd ya bring me to Washington for anyway?

--Lately I ask myself the same thing every day.

--At least I can talk to you. Daddy, he just jumps all over me like everybody else. Like when that Iraqi guy's head fell off yesterday. They even blame me for that.

--Poor baby, of course that wasn't your fault. What'd they expect you to do? Issue 'em duct tape? Don't worry about it. It's like Rummy said. Democracy can get messy.

--Yeah, Rummy. What'd you make me fire him for? He used to make me laugh. What a kidder. This new guy, he's so serious all the time.

--Rummy was amusing, dear. But he was starting to talk to portraits. Like you-know-who used to back in the seventies. We were afraid he might lose it in front of the reporters. Besides, he was always picking on Condi.

--Who used to talk to portraits?

--Sometimes I have a hard time believing you majored in history. What'd you do all that time at Yale, anyway?

--I was a cheerleader and stuff. But who's the you-know-who that was talking to portraits? Anybody I know?

--Forget it. You don't even want to know his name.

--Okay, but now they get on me for not going to some o' these funerals. You know, of those, well, dead people. The ones who like went to war.

--Don't be silly. Dead people are depressing and that's the vice president's job anyway.

--Going to war? That's not what Cheney says. He says he has other priorities.

--No, no, no. Going to funerals.

--Right. But Cheney won't go. He won’t listen to me at all. It's not fair. Keeps calling me 'Fredo.' What's he mean, mama?

--What he means is, you're no Al Pacino.You know, I hate to say this, but he's got a point. Sometimes I think we should have passed you over for Jeb. I know you were the oldest, but look at the Godfather. You didn’t see him handing the family over to Fredo.

--Who’s Fredo?

--God, you're a Ding-a-Ling.

--You promised not to call me that anymore, remember?

--Sorry, kid. But I mean, you’re not even a Ronald Reagan. I knew Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan was a friend of mind. And honey, you’re no Ronald Reagan.

--Ronald Reagan. I remember him. He gave me that Star Wars set for Christmas. I used to play with it all the time. But it's getting boring. I'm running out of things to do around here.
--Why don't you read Alec Baldwin's mail? You always enjoy that.
--Yeah, but I can't wait to go back to Texas, mama. Tell me again how it’s gonna be in two years, when the twins take over here and we go back to the ranch.

--Again? You heard this a thousand times.

--Please mama.

--Oh, all right. We're gonna have a cow, and some pigs, and we're gonna have maybe a chicken. Down in the flat, we'lI have a field of alfalfa for the rabbits.

-- For the rabbits... And I get to tend the rabbits.

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